he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
