I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
