Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
