Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
