yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
