I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
