It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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