no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
