Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
