Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
