I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
a search helicopter?!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
