I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize