Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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