3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
