Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
