I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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