I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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