Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
