please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
