U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
