im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
