Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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