Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
