I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
