well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
