All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
