ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
