You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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