so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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