I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
