yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She said her name was "party"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
