you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
