The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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