Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
