I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
