I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
