got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
