I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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