She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
