if you like me you must not know who I am
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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