Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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