Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
