I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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