After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
