he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
