sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
