She is in my trunk
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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