haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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