He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
