conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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