i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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