Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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