someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
