We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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