My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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