Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My dick has a subreddit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
