It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)