Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..