At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
