I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
