in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
