my mouth tastes like poor choices
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
