shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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